Nothing Else

Hi guys!

I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without writing. I almost feel like I treated my blog, how I’ve treated God. Like when you feel like your life has to be “perfect”, or you have to be “perfect” in order to come forth?

That’s where I’ve been..

Like I needed to be in a good place to write. The same with prayer. I’ve recognized that my prayer has been off. And prayer is EVERYTHING. That connection with God, where it keeps me grounded. I let myself get lost in the chaos, even though, in a weird way it didn’t really feel chaotic.

My cousin/best friend sent me a song the other day and said “consider it for your posts”.

And here I am.

There was a verse that just hit so deep for me and truly spoke:

I’m sorry when I’ve just gone through the motions
I’m sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You

I’m sorry when I’ve come with my agenda
I’m sorry when I forgot that You’re enough

Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You”

When I tell you, I just wanted to go home and just get on my knees and cry. I wanted to go home and shout that I was sorry. That I let anxiety consume me. I let depression control me. That I let my surroundings get the best of me. I was sorry that I didn’t turn to him knowing He is the answer. I was sorry that for a split second I forgot that His love is enough. That what He can give to me is more than anyone or anything on this earth can provide.  

I haven’t been mad at God. But I can’t really explain where I’ve been, because I’ve yet to understand it. What I do know, is that my mind and heart have been at war for a few weeks.

Constantly contradicting each other with God’s joy and anxiety. God’s peace with depression. God’s sufficiency with my inadequacies.

I was reminded that this uncomfortable weird unknown season isn’t for me to figure out but to just remain strong in my faith. Feed my spirit over my mind. Because even if my circumstance in this season doesn’t change, God is still God. He is still working even when it doesn’t feel like it.

And that I need to come forth even when I don’t feel enough, because He is enough. He will restore that joy.

My victory is in Him and He is all that matters.

So today I ask you: Where have you denied God’s grace in your life?

Sincerely,

Mila ♥♥

Song: 

Cody Carnes – Nothing Else

Forgiveness is Starting Over

Why do we choose to not forgive others? Is it because we didn’t get an apology we think we deserved? Or we didn’t get an acknowledgement of the wrong doing? Or even worst, we didn’t get to hurt them like they hurt us?

I’m sure every person and every situation will give me a different answer.

As I’ve said before, forgiveness is one of my biggest battles in my spiritual journey. I find myself having talks with God like:

“but God they lied on me”

“but God they broke my heart”

“but God they betrayed me”

“but God they chose someone else, over me”

“but God they’re so fake”

“but God they’re bad people”

There is always a “BUT” trying to justify why I choose not to hand it over to God. Sometimes I wonder do I hold on because it’s all I have left? Or maybe because I’m afraid to start over.

As I’m writing this, I’m reflecting on the person I spoke about in my last post. I lost an important person in my life. I lost a partner and the family that we were going to become. The pain and the hurt is all I had left of that picture of “us” I had in my head. I wanted it to go back to how it was so bad, how I thought it was supposed to be. And because that could no longer happen, I chose to hold on to the pain it brought me because it’s all I had left of what was.

I knew deep down that with forgiveness came a big responsibility. It meant letting go and starting over. It meant going back to the basics and rebuilding my foundation, a new foundation.

And what a scary feeling that was.

It’s scary because we have to look in the mirror and at the end of the day we can’t blame other people. The only person you can really blame is yourself. Because we put our trust in people and putting trust in people is like building a sand castle. And when the storm comes, and the rain falls, our castle follows, because our trust was put in people to uphold us but they let us down.

So, you’re wondering what do I do with these pieces? What do I do with this regret? What do I do with this anger? What do I do with this pain? But a clean slate is the best place to start. 

And when you think you have nothing is when you can find your everything in God.

Because God can’t put something new inside of you with the old foundations that you had. In order for God to do something new he has to clear the ground.

So your tears have softened the soil. And now you can build a new foundation on what he says about you, his promises and his protection. Something that is sure from on high and not from man that’ll let you down.

It’s a new season and the work has not all been for nothing. There is a harvest and you will reap what you have sown. Bear fruit.

So today I ask you: Ask God for forgiveness for trying to build a foundation without him. And then recognize that you are forgiven, so you can start over and forgive.

Sincerely,

Mila ♥♥

See:

Build Your House on the Rock: Matthew 7:24-27

New Wine into Old Wineskins: Luke 5:36-39